slickaway's thoughts on the matter

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So, I'm selfish.

As a rule, I am a selfish person. Very selfish. I am constantly thinking ahead to what new fun I can do, and what things I would like to try. Rarely do I think about starving people and the death and destruction going on in our world right now unless it comes up in conversation.

But it think this is because I am very self reflective. And I think that is part of my charm. I know what I want (in a very general way) and I am not afraid to try to get it. Now, I don't really manipulate people to get what I want, but I am not above asking people and telling people what it is that I want. I am not a fan of twisting words and playing games. The results from them are too slow coming and it is too easy to be misunderstood, and if I learned two things during Katimavik, they are:

1) Communication is Important with a capital I, and...

2) Make it work. In other words, if something isn't going how you want it to, figure out how to fix it, and then DO.

I try and live by these as much as I can and it's worked for me so far. It translates into me being direct and saying what it is I mean. It also means that I am selfish.

And I realized this a few days ago when I was emailing Conor and telling him that I didn't need him to email or text me while Alyss was still there.

I realized that leaving my feelings for Conor entirely out of it, Alyss had come to Vancouver expecting something and didn't get it. She then learns that Conor has moved on...with one of her friends. And then said friend basically ignores her even though she knows she is there, and continues with sending emails and texts as usual to the boy because she doesn't want to feel forgotten.

I'm a bitch. A very selfish bitch. Even though this has felt like an eternity these past two weeks, it hasn't been. Three weeks in the big picture is nothing, and I couldn't stay out of his life for that long because I was insecure and needed to be wanted. but now that I realize all of this I am able to leave them alone. I shouldn't be making this even harder for her. See? Selfish.

However, she hasn't exactly been a bundle of roses herself. I don't agree with her going to Vancouver and staying at HIS house when they are broken up (still not taking into account my feelings for him) and participating in his family's Christmas. Maybe it's just because I have such a strong sense of family and only the really really close people would I consider bringing to family events. Like Suneet, Mark, Vishal and Conor. That being said, if Conor and I had a regular relationship living in the same city, I wouldn't feel comfortable bringing him to Christmas or a wedding or anything like that. The only one I would even consider bringing to those kinds of close family events (at this moment) are Suneet or Mark. But because of special circumstances anytime he is in this city, he will be with me and therefore we will be going basically everywhere together.

So...I don't agree with her gate-crashing their Christmas (even if doesn't mean that much to Conor) and I don't agree with them pretending that they are still together.

But I was being very selfish with my constant communications and I am actually glad that I backed off. Maybe I've slightly redeemed myself?

I just hope he never saw it that way...I wouldn't want him to ever think of me as selfish.

6:01 p.m. - 2010-01-03

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