slickaway's thoughts on the matter
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I won't complain
I had the oddest dream, but it feels significant.
I was with Conor and Alyss and I think someone else, and we were going to see a movie. I don't know which one, just that it was a really big movie and it had just come out. We were being herded through this monster theatre and going around and through so many places for so long, just trying to get to this theatre. Actually, I don't think Alyss and Conor were here at this point. And when we finally did find it we went inside and I think this is what happened.
I think I kinda fell into the movie, or at least the dream completely changed from here. And this is where Alyss and Conor came in.
The two of them were sitting in a room,, looking at mail or something and I came to say hello or hang out when all of a sudden Alyss starts screaming. She was very angry that I had sent her this list or something. It was like a santa list, except there were all the things that she wanted on there..I think...I am assuming this from what happens later.
So instead of going in the room and getting screamed at, I decide to go to the gym and jump on the ropes. You know those fabric ropes the Cirque du Soleil uses? Well that is what I jumped on.
I expected it to be difficult in my dream because I really can't do any of the things that they can, but it was actually easy. I started climbing it and hanging upside down and twirling around. Then Alyss gets on one as well. And we both somehow end up up high and falling down really fast, but we are talking at the same time. And she said to me, 'Why do you get to land somewhere soft?' Right after she said that I saw these flashes of an old-school newspaper article that showed these pictures of cold hard buildings and other cement like things.
And then we were swinging down and either we would make the mats, or we wouldn't. I made the mat, but I woke up in hospital anyway. For some reason we were in the same hospital room. And when I woke up Conor was bending over me and saying something about E and how she doesn't take it. I was very confused until he slid a paper in front of my eyes that had a little E in a circle on it, representing Ecstacy, and the paper was the wish list I had made for Alyss. The reason she was yelling and screaming in the other room earlier.
I just said 'Oh.' And continued to sit there feeling dazed. And from there I just started hugging him. Now, thinking back on it, if I had just woken up in hospital and the first thing he had done was to berate me on the wish list I had written, then I would be a lot more angry, but in the dream it didn't register. So instead I just hugged him and breathed him in.
And then Alyss said something. I don't remember what it was, but she said something and we both jumped apart. I remember thinking, 'Her eyes were still closed so she didn't see us together,' so I guess my subconscious is still in hiding mode even if consciously I really really don't want to hide. So after we jumped apart, I looked over at Conor sitting in the chair beside me bed, and he looked at me for a moment, and then he stood up and went over to her.
I lay back down, curled up and tried to go back to sleep.
Moral of the story; I feel like Conor is choosing Alyss over me still. Because he IS by not talking to me when she is there. Even if I understand that he (and I) don't want to hurt her more than we already have, I would still like some acknowledgement.
Even though every time I start doubting him he comes through. EVERY time I start saying, 'No, I'm not going to contact him until he calls me,' he texts, or emails. Or when I start thinking that with her there his feelings are fading, he will say, 'I really miss you.'
Even with all that I still feel neglected. And I think any other person would say I have a right to, but I can't seem to agree with them because I know Conor, and I know Alyss, and I know our situation. While he isn't having as bad a time as I have, he has to deal with all the direct yelling and confrontation and crying, and that isn't easy. We both understand that Alyss needs to be handled gently. And so I won't complain.
It sucks, but I won't complain.
12:40 p.m. - 2009-12-30
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The World is Full of Surprises |
